FUTURE SHOCK: Gaming in the Post Recession World

Published on 4th April 2009 by Steve | Post a comment

A big thanks to our special guest writer Steve who's taken a look at the future of gaming. Enjoy!


Hello. With the world economy currently getting its head flushed in a toilet thanks to those bullies "Credit Crunch", "Sub-Prime" and "Collapse in World Trade", and the growing threat this poses to our gaming future, I thought I might suggest some possible alternatives that we may need to fall back on during the period that commentators will likely dub, "the lost years of gaming". By all means, smile and nod, but what will you do for fun when society as you know it has imploded, your only gaming challenge is avoiding the rape gangs, and you have to fight your former friends in mortal combat for breakfast in a can? So please join me as we look into the future with a list that should go some tiny way to preparing you for the dark age of gaming to come, and perhaps some eventualities you dared not contemplate.

1: Deadly blood sport in which you are the prize


You've stumbled across a seemingly abandoned stadium, but wait! Just as you enter the centre circle/fifty yard line, the flood lights suddenly snap on and you are temporarily blinded, stunned for just enough time to allow a marauding gang of punks on dirt bikes to encircle you. Congratulations, you are now part of a deadly blood sport in which you are the prize. Learn to avoid the maniacal shoulder padded goons with spinning chains, nets, tridents and flame-throwers in order to survive. With a little ingenuity and forethought, you can turn the tables on your tormentors, and the hunters will quickly become…the hunted (An ability to use your opponents weapons against them in an ironic way will also serve you well).

2. Sonic.xls


You've dusted off an old Asus you found in the rubble of a Dixons, the chief overseer has gone to bed, and now you can use some of that precious generator fuel to power that baby up and see what you can find to stave off the boredom. You grit your teeth through the slow load times, but after half heartedly playing a few games of Space Cadet Pinball, what else is there? Only a copy of "sonic.xls", a game you at best ignored, at worse reviled; but now as you begin to play, the simple joys of a hobbled Sonic the Hedgehog clone embedded in a spreadsheet begin to push the shadows from your mind, transporting you back to happier times, when you could afford to dismiss such tat.

3. The Kaba Kick


A rare find in a world gone mad, but if you can lay your hands on it, the fun is limitless. A take on the perennial Russian Roulette game, except aimed at children, this "Hippo Kick" (Kaba is Japanese for Hippo) game was originally constructed in the Orient before making its way west in limited numbers. Don't look for it on established trade routes, only the most discerning Bazaars will stock it, and even then, at a price.

4. Tomytronic 3-D Games


As the standard LCD games we knew and loved faded into obscurity due to no one ever having the right size of those "pill" batteries needed to play them, the "Tomytronic 3-D" stood against the tide, allowing all the children of the new world to be lost in a AA battery powered make-believe. Whether it was slaughtering sharks, racing cars or piloting a tank, by simply looking through the two eye-holes, the user was transported to a badly animated technicolor dreamscape reminiscent of the movie Tron. As well as the plentiful supply of AA batteries, these gaming devices have held up remarkably well due to the military grade plastics used in their construction. Military grade, it is said, because these were used by North Korean spec op. troops in training scenarios involving shark killing, car racing and tank piloting. The "Jungle Adventure" units however are said to be less durable by those that have come across them.

5. Dodge the Lava


You probably played this as a kid, probably enjoyed it very much, you didn't think you would have to resort to it again. Refresher course for those of you who forgot; scavenge a gaudy looking carpet (some furniture also helps) and then attempt to make it across to the other side of the room without falling to a horrible searing death in the "lava" below. Use light coloured areas of the selected carpet as safe zones, if you fall in, these are the areas where the magma/toxic ooze has cooled enough for you to survive. However take note that these areas are subject to time limits, and you must leave them within the specified period, usually one or two seconds. The best players are said to be those with the ability to persuade their opponents that their Everything Proof Suit could have totally withstood the lava for longer than everyone is saying, and that it so wasn't two seconds.

There you have it, you are now "prepared" for just a tiny fraction of the terrifying possibilities of life without computers, electricity, decks of cards, and even love. Perhaps even prepared for life in The Hell-Zone.

Posted in: Comedy |

Thanks for reading! Now check out Guild of Dungeoneering, a game I'm making where you build the dungeon instead of controlling the hero! \o/
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  1. You laugh, but kid-themed Russian Roulette has been aroudn for a good long time. i remember playing Curse of the Cobras back when i was a kid in the 80's:


    It made such an impression on my that one of the first games i developed while at YTV, Improbability, used the same concept: as an imp who comes to a retirement community to get Hallowe'en candy one night too early, knock on as many doors as you can before you find the one with the lucid old woman who sees you for what you are and … well, kills you.


    Posted by Ryan Henson Creighton on April 5th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
  2. I remember saying the ground was lava and trying to get from the swing set to the highest point in the playground. A lot of climbing and leaping was involved.

    Posted by FJGamer on April 19th, 2009 at 11:48 pm
  3. I remember a slightly different lava game that my cousins and I played, one that was inspired by the old NES game Super Mario Bros. Everybody (the Koopa troop) was supposed to go try and tag you (Super Mario) before you "saved the Princess".

    I suppose it could have been inspired by Sonic the Hedgehog CD instead if we had known about it then. There was a LOT more to avoid in that game, and you got to save Emi/Amy the Hedgehog, not to mention it had the fast-paced game-play required. It would have been acid or something instead of lava if that were the case though.

    As for the Sonic.xls game, I've played it, but I've never cared for it. It bases things on the Sonic Advance series for the GBA, and I'm not a fan of them at all (the physics are far too different from the Sonic games I first started playing on the Master System and Genesis/Mega Drive).

    Now that I've drifted down memory lane, I think I'll go play Sonic Drift in Sonic Adventure DX now… ^_^

    Posted by RpgFan on April 23rd, 2009 at 12:55 am
  4. Two of these are "video games", two are "social games", and one is a toy… Where are the millions of board games? Sure, it might take you ten years of collecting in the wilderness to finally get your hands on that little shoe, but monopoly will probably stay. And even if it doesn't, what about kalaha, checkers, chess, and all the other types of games that anyone can really make a good board for with a bit of dirt and some markers?

    Nah, I figure this was written as a joke, but in my experience jokes are more fun if they come off serious. And on the serious scale, this is a joke.

    Posted by Frank on April 23rd, 2009 at 6:00 am
  5. Haaaa… Reading the "Dodge The Lava" excerpt killed me. I STILL play that.

    Posted by P90 Workout on April 24th, 2011 at 6:23 am
  6. I long for the innocence of these types of games – rather that the gang-related nonsense or gore fests, we have today!

    Posted by Ismael Solis on May 11th, 2011 at 6:35 pm